This post is not going to be very flattering but I said that I was going to share my ups and downs, my achievements and my failures. You can’t get the good without the bad, right? Honesty and vulnerability- sometimes the hardest things to share with others.
My life is sometimes overwhelming. I’ve always made myself busy with many things, and this stage of my life is no different. I wish there were more hours in a day but if that were the case, I would probably add more things to my schedule and be even busier.
Since January, my life has been a whirlwind. I feel like I haven’t stopped- for anything.. and unfortunately that included my dad’s death. It seems that lately I’ve finally worn myself out that I feel like I can’t go anymore. This past week has been great with Luke home, but there is so many wedding details that I couldn’t do without him that we have spent a week catching up.
And we are both exhausted.
By the time I get off of work, I’m tired. But, our lives right now don’t let us take breaks. And with that doesn’t come the opportunity to sit or think… or to sit and think. When I’m so busy, I don’t have room in my brain to think about other things- just the tasks at hand and what needs to get done.
But somehow, God doesn’t let you completely avoid the other things that are going on in your life. Last week on the riveting season finale of Grey’s Anatomy, Dr. Bailey was nervously working on stopping the bleeding of a gun shot wound on one of her interns. She looked up and frantically said, “Where is all this water coming from?” The other patient in the room said, “Dr. B, you’re crying.”
I felt like I had one of those moments on my run today. You see, during wedding planning there are always reminders of the things I haven’t dealt with. At the tux shop, we discussed what the guys would be wearing. The lady helping us, not knowing the situation, asked what my dad would be wearing. When deciding our invitations, we had to discuss the wording on the invitations and if we include my dad’s name or not. The first thing people ask me when they find out my dad passed is who will walk me down the aisle.
Reminders. They are everywhere.
On my run today, all of the reminders came together and I had a Dr. Bailey moment- “Where is all this water coming from?”
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
i run for.. creepy eyes.
Have you ever seen a picture that seems to “follow you” around the room? You know what I mean- the eyes of the person in the picture seems like they move with you as if they are watching your every move. Of course their eyes aren’t really moving, but it just seems that way.
Well for whatever reason, on my run it seemed like every house that I passed had those same creepy eyes, except they were in porcelain dolls or the fake owls that people use to scare away squirrels, which in my opinion is even worse. At 5:00 in the morning, I was being watched- like their eyes were following me. CREEPY. That definitely motivated me to run- - to run as far away as fast as I could!
It’s my third week of the 5K training and P90 workouts. I can tell differences in my running patterns and my abilities compared to the first week, but I’m definitely in need of staying motivated. I’m still working on an organization to raise money for, as I have gotten some great advice and suggestions from a couple key people. This week has been kinda hectic because we found out that Luke is coming home on Thursday, which means I have to have everything ready for him by Wednesday.
Working full time, having a couple hours of workouts everyday, still working on things for the wedding (I HAVE TO CHOOSE MY INVITATIONS! AHH!), trying to have a social life, and getting ready for Luke has definitely made my life hectic- but for those of you that know me well how is that any different than what I’ve always done?
One of the things I’ve been working on is Luke and I’s scrapbook. I was hoping to have it completely updated by the time he gets home. But after an entire weekend of scrapbooking (literally- I only stopped once- for a friends birthday party!), I’m still not completely finished. As I looked over my work I realized how much we had gone through in our relationship. There had been so many memories that I’m so happy I’ve documented. I think about in 20, 30, 70 years when our scrapbook is found what people would think.
When we were looking for pictures for my dad’s memorial slideshow I looked at his pictures as a child and thought about how much I didn’t even know about him. The experiences he had as a child, what life was like as a college student when he was in college, what it was like to move away from his home town of San Diego. There’s so much that I now wish that I could ask him about.
My mom, Luke and I are traveling to San Diego for a week to see my dad’s side of the family. While it is a vacation, we are also planning to have a small memorial service and spread his ashes over the beach where he grew up. I’m looking forward to having some time off devoted to honoring my dad’s memory and dealing with him being gone. It seems as if I haven’t even had time to breathe since his death- making it almost impossible to grieve. I’m hoping to learn some things from his family that I’ve been wondering and ask them about his life before we knew it.
My encouragement to my readers today would be to ask questions. Get to know the people around you- about their memories, about their pasts, about their hopes, about what their scared of. Laugh, cry, interact with each other. Relationships are some of the only things that matter and memories are the things that we will cherish the most.
Well for whatever reason, on my run it seemed like every house that I passed had those same creepy eyes, except they were in porcelain dolls or the fake owls that people use to scare away squirrels, which in my opinion is even worse. At 5:00 in the morning, I was being watched- like their eyes were following me. CREEPY. That definitely motivated me to run- - to run as far away as fast as I could!
It’s my third week of the 5K training and P90 workouts. I can tell differences in my running patterns and my abilities compared to the first week, but I’m definitely in need of staying motivated. I’m still working on an organization to raise money for, as I have gotten some great advice and suggestions from a couple key people. This week has been kinda hectic because we found out that Luke is coming home on Thursday, which means I have to have everything ready for him by Wednesday.
Working full time, having a couple hours of workouts everyday, still working on things for the wedding (I HAVE TO CHOOSE MY INVITATIONS! AHH!), trying to have a social life, and getting ready for Luke has definitely made my life hectic- but for those of you that know me well how is that any different than what I’ve always done?
One of the things I’ve been working on is Luke and I’s scrapbook. I was hoping to have it completely updated by the time he gets home. But after an entire weekend of scrapbooking (literally- I only stopped once- for a friends birthday party!), I’m still not completely finished. As I looked over my work I realized how much we had gone through in our relationship. There had been so many memories that I’m so happy I’ve documented. I think about in 20, 30, 70 years when our scrapbook is found what people would think.
When we were looking for pictures for my dad’s memorial slideshow I looked at his pictures as a child and thought about how much I didn’t even know about him. The experiences he had as a child, what life was like as a college student when he was in college, what it was like to move away from his home town of San Diego. There’s so much that I now wish that I could ask him about.
My mom, Luke and I are traveling to San Diego for a week to see my dad’s side of the family. While it is a vacation, we are also planning to have a small memorial service and spread his ashes over the beach where he grew up. I’m looking forward to having some time off devoted to honoring my dad’s memory and dealing with him being gone. It seems as if I haven’t even had time to breathe since his death- making it almost impossible to grieve. I’m hoping to learn some things from his family that I’ve been wondering and ask them about his life before we knew it.
My encouragement to my readers today would be to ask questions. Get to know the people around you- about their memories, about their pasts, about their hopes, about what their scared of. Laugh, cry, interact with each other. Relationships are some of the only things that matter and memories are the things that we will cherish the most.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
i run for.. wedding registries!
94 days and counting until Luke and I's wedding. It's coming so fast! I remember when he left for Japan back in August and I felt that this time apart would never end. I was apprehensive how we were going to make such a long distance relationship work with so many odds against us. It was our first year out of college, my dad was really sick, I was beginning a new job, he was living away from Indiana for the first time, and I was going to have to plan the wedding by myself.
I remember the last day that Luke spent time with my family before he left. There was an eerie feeling that although it wasn't certain, we figured that it might be the last time that he would ever see my dad. Aside from some Skype hospital visits, we were right. These past 9 months without Luke have been difficult and I can't say that either of us has always dealt with it gracefully. Between working full time, planning a wedding, traveling to and from Japan, dealing with the logistics of having a long distance relationship, and experiencing the death of my dad (especially with Luke gone), I've been stretched.
But 9 months later I've found myself wondering where all the time went. Wow, I can't believe we've almost made it through! Luke comes home 2 weeks from today! (1 week if they don't do well in the playoffs!) It seems so surreal that he will actually be in the United States. What will it be like to actually have him around? I joke to my friends that there will probably be days that I will want him to go to Japan because we've seen each other too much!
Even though he comes home shortly, my bridal showers are coming up quickly so I had to register for our wedding without him. I was so grateful to have one of my Matron of Honors, Kristin, go along with me to tell me everything I needed. She got married almost 4 years ago so she was great at telling me what I needed and what I could skip over.
8 hours, 3 stores and over 700 items later WE ARE REGISTERED! Both Luke and I are starting from scratch so we need EVERYTHING and we registered for it! It was so fun to think about what life would be like once we were married and pick out the things that we would be using in our "new life."
Speaking of "new life," week 2 of 5k training has started out rough. The rain and cold do a number on running outside with asthma. Thankfully Luke (a.k.a. my running sponsor as he likes to call it) has offered to pay for a gym membership for me so that I can get a break from extreme weather when I need it. Running on a treadmill is much different than running outside, but it's better than not running at all.
With all the this running, I'm still searching for the right cancer organization to be running for. I have a couple that I've been looking at but I'm definitely open to suggestions if anyone knows of any. The couple that I've looked at have an option of creating a "team." I like the concept of creating a team to work together, not necessarily for everyone to raise money but more importantly to bond together in an awareness and partnership of finding more treatments and cures for cancer. I want to be able to make a decision in the next couple weeks and I'll keep the blog updated on which organization is chosen. Until then, all suggestions are accepted and appreciated.
PS- Thanks for joining me on my journey- I've received some great encouragement through this process and I've loved to hear the stories about cancer that I've received. As the weeks progress I hope to continue to be so encouraged as the workouts get tougher and the cancer awareness begins. Your encouragement is what has kept my motivation up! Thanks for reading- you ROCK!
I remember the last day that Luke spent time with my family before he left. There was an eerie feeling that although it wasn't certain, we figured that it might be the last time that he would ever see my dad. Aside from some Skype hospital visits, we were right. These past 9 months without Luke have been difficult and I can't say that either of us has always dealt with it gracefully. Between working full time, planning a wedding, traveling to and from Japan, dealing with the logistics of having a long distance relationship, and experiencing the death of my dad (especially with Luke gone), I've been stretched.
But 9 months later I've found myself wondering where all the time went. Wow, I can't believe we've almost made it through! Luke comes home 2 weeks from today! (1 week if they don't do well in the playoffs!) It seems so surreal that he will actually be in the United States. What will it be like to actually have him around? I joke to my friends that there will probably be days that I will want him to go to Japan because we've seen each other too much!
Even though he comes home shortly, my bridal showers are coming up quickly so I had to register for our wedding without him. I was so grateful to have one of my Matron of Honors, Kristin, go along with me to tell me everything I needed. She got married almost 4 years ago so she was great at telling me what I needed and what I could skip over.
8 hours, 3 stores and over 700 items later WE ARE REGISTERED! Both Luke and I are starting from scratch so we need EVERYTHING and we registered for it! It was so fun to think about what life would be like once we were married and pick out the things that we would be using in our "new life."
Speaking of "new life," week 2 of 5k training has started out rough. The rain and cold do a number on running outside with asthma. Thankfully Luke (a.k.a. my running sponsor as he likes to call it) has offered to pay for a gym membership for me so that I can get a break from extreme weather when I need it. Running on a treadmill is much different than running outside, but it's better than not running at all.
With all the this running, I'm still searching for the right cancer organization to be running for. I have a couple that I've been looking at but I'm definitely open to suggestions if anyone knows of any. The couple that I've looked at have an option of creating a "team." I like the concept of creating a team to work together, not necessarily for everyone to raise money but more importantly to bond together in an awareness and partnership of finding more treatments and cures for cancer. I want to be able to make a decision in the next couple weeks and I'll keep the blog updated on which organization is chosen. Until then, all suggestions are accepted and appreciated.
PS- Thanks for joining me on my journey- I've received some great encouragement through this process and I've loved to hear the stories about cancer that I've received. As the weeks progress I hope to continue to be so encouraged as the workouts get tougher and the cancer awareness begins. Your encouragement is what has kept my motivation up! Thanks for reading- you ROCK!
Friday, May 7, 2010
i run for.. lightening, thunderstorms, and bad days.
Finally Friday! I woke up with not a very motivating attitude to run. I'm exhausted and my body keeps screaming at me. But despite the yells I got out of bed, threw my workout clothes on and out the door I went.
In some sick way, in just these past five days I've become addicted to the way I feel after I wake up and run in the morning. The energy and the clear mind that I've started each day out with this week has encouraged me to keep going.
Today was different. I began on my warm up walk on the damp pavement after it had rained throughout the night. Normally, I would have never gone outside if there was anything wet- -but this is a part of my lifestyle change that I talked about in my first blog, right?
Well, it turns out that I should have strayed away from those dark skies and damp payment. With just a block away from my house the pitch black sky turned to flashing spot lights with the lightening and a thunder crash directly following. Probably not the best idea to go running with lightening- - I'm not that fast yet.
Instead I went home to get ready for work early so that I could get off early and run then. Sounds ok, right? Hmm.. well- have you ever had one of those days when one thing goes wrong it seems like everything else does, too? Yup, that seemed to be my morning. With the thunder crashing and now the rain coming down heavily, my Friday seemed grim.
Being at work without running that morning seemed awkward as I felt like my body wasn't working quite yet- like I needed a burst of energy to feel comfortable. All day I was looking forward to the time that I could run- - ((what? Did I seriously just say that? ))
Truth is, when I began to think about my "bad day" it really turned out to be just a "bad attitude." Sometime during the day I realized that I'm blessed with a body that can move, run, exercise, stretch, and grow stronger, and that burst of energy that I was waiting on will eventually come.
I never realized what a blessing that was until there were times when Dad would have a "bad day" and it was truly a bad day. I used to get angry with him when he wouldn't participate in family get togethers because he was too tired. His energy was shot, not because he was looking at life negatively (like I was today) but because his body couldn't withstand the pain and weight of the cancer rapidly spreading. Not feeling comfortable in his body wasn't caused by not having the chance to exercise, it was because he didn't have the ability to control his own body anymore- and that burst of energy that would make me feel better would never again come for him. Now that's a bad day.
These moments of realization come just as that flash of lightening, giving me understanding to his hurt and pain. Just another reminder that better treatments and better cures are needed.. which means there needs to be more research- and how much money do they need? Let me give you an example:
My mom informed this week that a experimental treatment that my dad had tried got approved to be used as a treatment for cancer this past month. It was a sort of shot that he got every once in awhile. Each shot cost over $50,000- -EACH SHOT. The series was 3-4 shots I believe. Luckily, because my dad was a part of the experimental study he received these shots for free but the price has sense gone up for patients that will use this as treatment. If the shot alone cost this much for one person, think about the entire study and how big of a price tag that was.
Research is expensive.. but then again, how valuable is a life that could be saved?
In some sick way, in just these past five days I've become addicted to the way I feel after I wake up and run in the morning. The energy and the clear mind that I've started each day out with this week has encouraged me to keep going.
Today was different. I began on my warm up walk on the damp pavement after it had rained throughout the night. Normally, I would have never gone outside if there was anything wet- -but this is a part of my lifestyle change that I talked about in my first blog, right?
Well, it turns out that I should have strayed away from those dark skies and damp payment. With just a block away from my house the pitch black sky turned to flashing spot lights with the lightening and a thunder crash directly following. Probably not the best idea to go running with lightening- - I'm not that fast yet.
Instead I went home to get ready for work early so that I could get off early and run then. Sounds ok, right? Hmm.. well- have you ever had one of those days when one thing goes wrong it seems like everything else does, too? Yup, that seemed to be my morning. With the thunder crashing and now the rain coming down heavily, my Friday seemed grim.
Being at work without running that morning seemed awkward as I felt like my body wasn't working quite yet- like I needed a burst of energy to feel comfortable. All day I was looking forward to the time that I could run- - ((what? Did I seriously just say that? ))
Truth is, when I began to think about my "bad day" it really turned out to be just a "bad attitude." Sometime during the day I realized that I'm blessed with a body that can move, run, exercise, stretch, and grow stronger, and that burst of energy that I was waiting on will eventually come.
I never realized what a blessing that was until there were times when Dad would have a "bad day" and it was truly a bad day. I used to get angry with him when he wouldn't participate in family get togethers because he was too tired. His energy was shot, not because he was looking at life negatively (like I was today) but because his body couldn't withstand the pain and weight of the cancer rapidly spreading. Not feeling comfortable in his body wasn't caused by not having the chance to exercise, it was because he didn't have the ability to control his own body anymore- and that burst of energy that would make me feel better would never again come for him. Now that's a bad day.
These moments of realization come just as that flash of lightening, giving me understanding to his hurt and pain. Just another reminder that better treatments and better cures are needed.. which means there needs to be more research- and how much money do they need? Let me give you an example:
My mom informed this week that a experimental treatment that my dad had tried got approved to be used as a treatment for cancer this past month. It was a sort of shot that he got every once in awhile. Each shot cost over $50,000- -EACH SHOT. The series was 3-4 shots I believe. Luckily, because my dad was a part of the experimental study he received these shots for free but the price has sense gone up for patients that will use this as treatment. If the shot alone cost this much for one person, think about the entire study and how big of a price tag that was.
Research is expensive.. but then again, how valuable is a life that could be saved?
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
i run for.. my new watch
Day 3 of my 5K training and I'm hurtin'!
Did I mention that I'm also do P90X after work? Yes, I know. I'm crazy. But I want to get stronger and get ready to do P90 with Luke when he gets home from Japan (which is only 20 days away at the most-- YAY!!)
This morning when I woke up I felt lucky to be able to run and to train for a good cause, but man, was I tired! The weather is frigid in Indiana at 5:30 in the morning, which makes running with Asthma that much more difficult. Today, I was running for... being able to hit the timer button on my new watch.
Luke was gracious enough to "fund" my running and fundraising efforts by buying me new running shoes and a watch with a stop watch on it to help keep track of how long I've ran each morning. My training this week is running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 for a total of 20 minutes plus 5 minutes of warm up and cool down. Not bad right? haha, say that to a NONrunner!
Today I ran for.... my new watch! I was looking down at that thing what seemed liked every 30 seconds. With exhausted legs and sore abs and arms from P90X I was waiting for those times that I could walk.
But everytime I wanted to quit I kept reminding myself of the real reason I was tired, cold, and hurting. My soreness and exhaustion is nothing compared to what a cancer patient experiences during and after treatments.
There's a bigger cause for this hard work and I hope that you will continue to follow me as I work to run, raise money, blog, and spread awareness of cancer. This is an exciting journey- come with me!
Did I mention that I'm also do P90X after work? Yes, I know. I'm crazy. But I want to get stronger and get ready to do P90 with Luke when he gets home from Japan (which is only 20 days away at the most-- YAY!!)
This morning when I woke up I felt lucky to be able to run and to train for a good cause, but man, was I tired! The weather is frigid in Indiana at 5:30 in the morning, which makes running with Asthma that much more difficult. Today, I was running for... being able to hit the timer button on my new watch.
Luke was gracious enough to "fund" my running and fundraising efforts by buying me new running shoes and a watch with a stop watch on it to help keep track of how long I've ran each morning. My training this week is running for 60 seconds and walking for 90 for a total of 20 minutes plus 5 minutes of warm up and cool down. Not bad right? haha, say that to a NONrunner!
Today I ran for.... my new watch! I was looking down at that thing what seemed liked every 30 seconds. With exhausted legs and sore abs and arms from P90X I was waiting for those times that I could walk.
But everytime I wanted to quit I kept reminding myself of the real reason I was tired, cold, and hurting. My soreness and exhaustion is nothing compared to what a cancer patient experiences during and after treatments.
There's a bigger cause for this hard work and I hope that you will continue to follow me as I work to run, raise money, blog, and spread awareness of cancer. This is an exciting journey- come with me!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Just Stand Up- - Performance for Cancer
In researching different cancer organizations to support while running, I came acrosee this video from the Stand Up 4 Cancer organization. It has a great message for those that are struggling with cancer, not to mention alot of amazing singers.
i run for.. change
I'm not a runner, I never have been a runner.
But this year has brought about many changes for me. After watching a friend run a marathon I realized that I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs with out my asthma kicking in and getting winded. We waited at mile 6 of the marathon to cheer on our friends. As we watched all the runners breathe heavy and look exhausted, I thought to myself, "These people are CRAZY! Why would anyone want to do this to themself?" But when we were waiting at the finish line, I realized why. Accomplishment, health, adrenaline, addiction, concentration, desire, passion.. all reasons why people run.
After that weekend I set a goal for myself to run a 5k race before my wedding- August 14, 2010. I knew I had to get training, but first I had to make the decision of WHY I wanted to run. I knew I couldn't just run for the heck of it- I didn't have the desire that avid marathon runners do. But the answer to the "why" question was simple.
This year has brought about change.. alot of change. But the change that has effected me the most is the death of my dad. What a life shattering experience to hold his hand as he stopped breathing. After months of battling cancer with doctor visits, treatment schedules, needles, IV's, medicine, losing his voice, losing his hair, losing his muscle- my dad had changed. Our relationship changed, in a huge way. Through the tough conversations about life, death, and everything in between, I realized that who I am was formed so much by the man that I was having those conversations with. Who I had become was the person that had been created so much like person that was dying in that hospital bed. As much as I hated to admit it, I was definitely my father's daughter! With every conversations I realized that the only person that could teach more about myself was not going to be around to teach me much longer.
Changes- lots of changes. I guess cancer does that- it brings lots of changes. I hate cancer and I hate what it did to my dad and to my family. The worst part about it- cancer is everywhere. Everyone I talk to has a story about cancer- a loved one, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, a child. I wish that I was a brilliant scientist that could study cures for cancer, but my dad didn't give me a scientific mind. He gave me a philosophically, questioning, passionate mind. I can't do much in the fight against cancer, except take care of myself and raise money for those scientists that do have the capability to find the cures.
So that's what I'm doing. I will run for cancer. I will train, raise money, and blog about my efforts to help fund the research to learn more about and stop this disgusting disease. And this is where I will document everything from my struggles to the victories. I don't expect to be a race champion, but a runner with a passion.
Not a passion for running, but a passion for helping.
But this year has brought about many changes for me. After watching a friend run a marathon I realized that I couldn't even walk up a flight of stairs with out my asthma kicking in and getting winded. We waited at mile 6 of the marathon to cheer on our friends. As we watched all the runners breathe heavy and look exhausted, I thought to myself, "These people are CRAZY! Why would anyone want to do this to themself?" But when we were waiting at the finish line, I realized why. Accomplishment, health, adrenaline, addiction, concentration, desire, passion.. all reasons why people run.
After that weekend I set a goal for myself to run a 5k race before my wedding- August 14, 2010. I knew I had to get training, but first I had to make the decision of WHY I wanted to run. I knew I couldn't just run for the heck of it- I didn't have the desire that avid marathon runners do. But the answer to the "why" question was simple.
This year has brought about change.. alot of change. But the change that has effected me the most is the death of my dad. What a life shattering experience to hold his hand as he stopped breathing. After months of battling cancer with doctor visits, treatment schedules, needles, IV's, medicine, losing his voice, losing his hair, losing his muscle- my dad had changed. Our relationship changed, in a huge way. Through the tough conversations about life, death, and everything in between, I realized that who I am was formed so much by the man that I was having those conversations with. Who I had become was the person that had been created so much like person that was dying in that hospital bed. As much as I hated to admit it, I was definitely my father's daughter! With every conversations I realized that the only person that could teach more about myself was not going to be around to teach me much longer.
Changes- lots of changes. I guess cancer does that- it brings lots of changes. I hate cancer and I hate what it did to my dad and to my family. The worst part about it- cancer is everywhere. Everyone I talk to has a story about cancer- a loved one, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, a child. I wish that I was a brilliant scientist that could study cures for cancer, but my dad didn't give me a scientific mind. He gave me a philosophically, questioning, passionate mind. I can't do much in the fight against cancer, except take care of myself and raise money for those scientists that do have the capability to find the cures.
So that's what I'm doing. I will run for cancer. I will train, raise money, and blog about my efforts to help fund the research to learn more about and stop this disgusting disease. And this is where I will document everything from my struggles to the victories. I don't expect to be a race champion, but a runner with a passion.
Not a passion for running, but a passion for helping.
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